im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
