I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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