the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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