u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
