no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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