my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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