People in love make me want to vomit
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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