so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
