What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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