i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
