woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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