I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
