Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I have fence marks all over my body
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
