Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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