my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
