I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
