I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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