saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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