i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize