tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
