I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
