walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
