Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
