HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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