Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
