Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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