My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
