just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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