If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
