Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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