We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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