WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
