I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize