Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
