My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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