Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
