Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
