When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
