Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
