I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
