On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
