I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
