I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
