I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
