I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
