Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
youre lurking in front of me
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
