If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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