I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
