i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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