you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
