Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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