is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
