I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
