i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
