she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
