its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize