the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
