Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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