??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
