I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
