I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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