Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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